Keys To Mastering Difficult Conversations

From time to time, we have to face difficult conversations even if we don’t feel like it. Many choose to avoid them as if the problem will go away. But this does not work like that. In fact, on many occasions postponing the inevitable only complicates things further.

Do not be afraid of a difficult conversation. There are ways to deal with these types of situations, you can even master them to avoid making a drama out of them and achieve what is expected of any conversation: effective communication. Let’s see how to do it.

Strategies for dealing with difficult conversations

First of all, we must park that preconceived idea of ​​difficult conversation. After all, this is what we call conversations in which we anticipate that we are going to have problems. Also, when we do, we anticipate conflict. And that generates a prior attitude of tension. We get defensive. And it is at this point where the problems begin.

Here’s the first step to mastering difficult conversations: don’t anticipate complications. That will help us stay focused on the conversation and see things in perspective. And it will allow us to be attentive to the signals of our interlocutor to effectively manage their emotional changes and their reactions.

Actively listen without putting your feelings first

People need to feel heard.  For this reason, you must not only be attentive and willing to listen, but your whole body must show that you are listening. In addition, listening is an indispensable condition in communication.

If the other person perceives tension or anxiety, if they feel that you are defensive or that you have an aggressive attitude, they will react negatively and will not be willing to listen. If, on the other hand, you are encouraging, calm, calm, and even compassionate, it will be easier for the other person to calm down.

A conversation, difficult as it may be, is not a fight. There are no winners or losers. Therefore, if you want to make something clear, you must remain calm, especially when the other shows signs of emotional changes.

Do not put your feelings first, even if it has hurt you

On the other hand, it is important that you do not put your feelings first, even if they have hurt you. The other needs to feel validated, that is, to know that their feelings also matter. He needs to know that you believe in him, even in spite of his actions and the damage he has done to you with them.

So first of all, once the purpose of the conversation is clear, take an interest in the other’s thoughts and feelings.  Accept them before continuing, without judging or throwing anything in your face. Then you can expose your ideas and feelings.

Learn to interpret and manage the signs of emotional change

Faced with a difficult conversation, many people freeze. This causes them to get even more nervous and the conversation does not end well. However, if you are attentive and observe certain changes, you can help to remain calm and thus keep the conversation under control.

For example, if you notice a change in tone of voice, such as speaking lower or faster, you can tell the other person. Now, you can also choose not to notify them but take into account its meaning. Often, in the middle of an explanation, people change the way they speak just before saying what is important to them. This is because they fear what may happen or because they feel that there is a problem that is preventing them from moving forward.

Another sign to watch for is nervous laughter.  Some people laugh when they feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. It is not a joke, far from it. In fact, it is something similar to what happens when we cry with happiness.

Nervous laughter usually indicates discomfort. That signal opens the door for you to ask the other how they feel and to identify a starting point from which to move forward in a positive way. This type of laughter can also indicate that the person is trying to escape a feeling. That is why it is important to ask them to express what worries them or needs to overcome the blockage.

Another sign of emotional change is the modification of the eye contact pattern.  The look may indicate that the other needs to take a break. Now, if you direct it the other way or hold it in a cold and threatening way, it may mean that something important has been discussed in the conversation. It is time to ask the other, without aggressiveness and with real interest, to share his point of view and listen to him without interruption or judgment.

If what you detect is that the other person uses the word “but” a lot, it is a sign that they are about to say what they fear, but they do not start to say it out  of fear or shame. Take advantage of the “buts” to help him finish.

Managing difficult conversations is good for both of you

As we said before, a conversation is not a battle in which there are winners and losers. If you want to understand something, draw conclusions or propose solutions, it is necessary to lead a difficult conversation on the right track.

It is not about being right, or about proving anything to the other. In fact, when faced with these types of conversations, there is no worse approach possible. You don’t win anything and you lose a lot . If you do not want to close doors, you must open your mind and put aside resentment, anger and rage. 

If this is difficult – many times it is, let’s not kid ourselves – think about what you want to achieve with that conversation and tell the other person. It is essential that you both know where you want to go.