Learning To Disagree Effectively (and Elegantly): 4 Keys To Achieve It

Learning to disagree is a very useful art. With it, we will avoid falling into mere discussion, effectively manage our interlocutor to avoid conflicts and define our position with elegance without resulting in injury or mere insult. We are undoubtedly facing a great tool based on intelligent disagreement that we should all know how to apply on a day-to-day basis.

Let’s face it, if there’s one thing most of us don’t know how to do, it’s disagree. What’s more, to this day there are still many who confuse terms and think that this word is actually synonymous with discussion. It is a mistake and therefore we must clarify a key idea: to disagree is to disagree with an idea or an opinion and this does not have to pose a threat or injury to anyone.

Likewise, another element to consider is that  disagreeing in some aspect defines our individuality, our ability to have our own opinion and not only defend it before whoever is in front of me, but also argue it intelligently to enrich the communication process and the relationship itself.

Now, in our day to day, disagreeing with something suddenly means creating a polarization where two believe they have the absolute truth. Soon, the comments appear lacking valid arguments and almost without knowing how to start a dispute where no one wins and everyone loses. We see it often on social media and we see it also in any political setting.

It is therefore advisable to learn to disagree with elegance and effectiveness to avoid these pointless situations. Let’s see 4 strategies to achieve it.

1. Learn to disagree, the art of having a calm mind

People who know how to disagree with great skill first of all know a very simple secret: to disagree effectively, one must have a calm mind, one must listen deeply to the interlocutor and understand that nothing that is said should be taken in a way. personal.

The moment one assumes that what is being said is a threat, the discussion begins and all is lost. That is, if the person in front of me tells me that the most beautiful color in the world is green, I do not have to infer that he is despising me for the fact that I like yellow.

Therefore, a good idea would be to move with an open and relaxed mind, where not to take the arguments of the other to the emotional plane, understanding that dissent is not threatening or underestimating the opinion of the other.

2. Disagreeing is a very beneficial exercise

In our day to day, if there is something that we find very often, it is people who are used to seeing the world from their own point of view, and only from their point of view. Reasoning with them can be an impossible task, we know, hence that sometimes, either because of fatigue or not wasting time, we tell ourselves that it is better to keep quiet and agree than to say naturally “I do not agree with that”.

Make no mistake, learning to disagree will allow us several things. The first is to reaffirm our identity, self-esteem and opinions. The second is to be much more sociable, to enrich our relationships and to always be consistent with what we feel, say and do.

In fact, in the world of organizations and work, it is often said that if there are 10 people in a meeting and they all agree, probably in that group there are over 9. That is, the “boss” does not have to always be right . Disagreement generates ideas, generates wealth of ideas, generates human capital …

3. Take care of the tone in addition to the words

Often when we are talking to someone and we choose to disagree or disagree on some information, concept or idea, our tone of voice changes and we raise our voices. Right at that moment, our arguments will cease to matter because that threatening tone will give rise to the discussion and will lead to a moment of tension.

To avoid this, it is best to work on our emotional regulation. One must understand, once again, that disagreeing with something should not be assumed to be an offense. Let’s take care of that emotionality and pay attention to the tone of our voice.

4. The Paul Graham Hypothesis

Paul Graham is a British computer scientist and essayist who has become quite famous after a work published in 2008 entitled ” How to disagree “. In it he explained to us that in order to learn to disagree, we must understand that there are certain more profitable levels and levels where this dialogue can lead to the least useful scenario, that of insult and injury.

Therefore, to be effective and discuss with elegance, we must stay at that peak, in that argumentative excellence that we can learn over time.

As we see in this graph, the areas that we should focus on to be solvent in handling discrepancies are the first 4. From the fifth, and with the yellow tonality, it is derived in the attack, criticism and offense.

Therefore, it would be ideal that in each of our conversations, when disagreeing with our interlocutors, we achieve the following:

• Give constructive and useful arguments about the central point where the discrepancy arises.
• Make him see the other person with arguments and proven reasons why he is not right  or why what he defends does not seem valid to us. You have to know how to counter-argue with agility and solvency.

• Make the other person see that what they think or defend does not have concrete and reliable evidence (very useful when, for example, someone tells us that “because this is true because everyone thinks that it is so ”).

To conclude, add just one detail: we are all clear that learning to disagree is not always easy. Many times we take this issue to the emotional terrain, and there we lose control. Let us therefore understand that disagreement is not an attack, and that it is actually a great opportunity to find agreements, to learn from others and achieve great achievements.