Living With An Alexithymic Partner: Relational Coldness

Living with an alexithymic partner can cause great suffering, since in these emotional ties empathy is usually the great absent. Likewise, it is common for one of the members to miss that genuine connection in which feelings are validated, from which to build an authentic intimacy through the words they nurture and those complicit gestures where emotions dance.

Loneliness, uncertainty, misunderstanding … These and other feelings are those experienced by those people who share life with an alexithymic. Now, we cannot ignore the reality of those who suffer from this psychological condition that many define as a neurological disorder and others as a psychological disorder with social conditioning factors.

Be that as it may, there is an undoubted fact: the alexithymic loves, falls in love, feels, has feelings, is happy, gets emotional and suffers just like any other person. However, and therein lies the real problem, they are unable to express what they feel and, in turn, do not understand the emotional codes of those around them.

If socially this fact brings more than one limitation, at the affective level alexithymia is highly problematic. What’s more, as a study carried out at the University of Missouri-Columbia by Dr. Nestor Fry-Cox reveals, alexithymia could be behind a good part of breakups between couples.

To this we must add another, and that is that it is estimated that almost 10% of the population could suffer from this emotional communication deficit, being especially common among the male gender.

What is it like to live with an alexithymic partner?

Living with an alexithymic partner is exhausting in every way. It is, in the first place, because often neither of the members is aware that there is a third inhabitant in that relationship: the psychological disorder itself or the neurological disorder. We say the latter because at present there is still no consensus on the subject and also because there are many people who do not know what their inability to express and understand emotions is due to.

It was in 1972 that psychiatrist Peter Sifneos first described this condition. From then until now, we know that alexithymia could be related to an alteration of the limbic system. Also, that it has nothing to do with the psychopathic personality, that is, the alexithymic does feel, but he does not know how to interpret his own emotions and not those of others.

All of this means that the following realities are experienced at an affective and relational level.

Inability to express what they feel

The alexithymic partner will never tell us if they are angry, happy, excited, or worried. For these people, any emotion felt is a mystery; it is nothing more than a set of physiological experiences in which to perceive tension, restlessness, a stomach ache, etc. They will not be able to express what they feel because they do not know what is going on in their body. They cannot name emotions despite feeling them.

Something like this means, for example, not being able to handle anger. Nor can they convey love, admiration and those basic emotional imprints in a relationship.

They do not understand what the couple feels

Alexithymic people are unable to identify the emotions of others. They will not understand, for example, why the couple feels hurt by certain behaviors. Nor will he be able to understand why he is not happy, what he needs, what makes him sad, why he changes his mood …

Moreover, if at any time the couple asks you to have an intimate conversation, you will feel incapable. Having to delve into these kinds of emotional aspects is somewhat uncomfortable for the alexithymic. It is an aspect that he does not know how to handle, that he does not see, that he does not understand.

Likewise, the alexithymic’s communication style is also very striking. They do not like reflections, double meanings, poetic, ironic or romantic language. His approach is always very logical, concrete and literal. Hence, communication with them is always very rigid and, above all, as difficult as it is frustrating.

My partner is alexithymic, what can I do?

Living together, creating a project for the future, solving problems or even reaching simple agreements with the alexithymic person can be very complicated. Keep in mind that our entire social fabric is basically governed by emotions. What can we do in these cases?

Whether we are the partner or the person with alexithymia, we must understand an important aspect. Often this condition is accompanied by other disorders. It is very common, for example, that there is a latent depression, a stress disorder or, even more, alexithymia is also present in people with Asperger’s.

Either way, we need a proper diagnosis. Likewise, alexithymia also falls within a spectrum. That is to say, there will be those who suffer it in a more pronounced way and who show only some features. Therefore, it is always appropriate to request expert help and work on one of these aspects.

Alexithymia and affective relationships, keys to keep in mind

We must consider that the alexithymic person does have feelings, but does not know how to express them. Therefore, it is appropriate to work on basic codes through which to express affection. The looks, the caresses and the physical contact are a good scenario to validate ourselves on a day-to-day basis.

• It is essential that the alexithymic have psychological support. It is the only way for the relationship to be sustained. This condition is not cured: it is worked on so that the patient finds mechanisms and skills to improve their empathy, communication and emotional expression.
• The areas that will be worked on in therapy with the alexithymic patient are emotional stimulation and identification, empathy, social skills, emotional communication and the reduction of anxiety and stress.

Finally, we must consider that not everyone responds well to therapy. Furthermore, many alexithymics are reluctant to accept specialized help because they believe that the problem is someone else’s. For some of these men and women, it is the partners themselves who show a problem with their emotions ; they are too intense, irrational and incomprehensible in his eyes.

In these cases, the best option is your own well-being. Safeguarding integrity and avoiding useless suffering will always be the best response when we see no desire for change on the part of the alexithymic.