The First Days Of Mourning: What Now?

The first days of mourning are characterized by disbelief. We cannot believe how that person was and, now suddenly, it is not like that anymore. We need not to believe, because it hurts so much that we cannot suddenly and fully assume the emotional impact of the absence. Feelings of disorientation flourish about what we should do now.

In this article, we explain how the first stages of grief processing unfold and how we can try to make sense of this initial disorientation.

The grieving process: so difficult and so necessary

A grief involves an internal and personal process in the face of the loss of an affective bond. Although it is a term that is usually associated with the death of a loved one, it is not the only situation in which a grieving process occurs. Also, it can be associated with other important losses, such as the breakdown of a partner or friendship, the loss of a job or home with an affective aspect.

People cope with these losses in very different ways in the early days of grieving. In fact, it is a process that can last from months to several years at the mercy of different personal or circumstantial factors. Once the grieving process is over, the person generally manages to reconstruct the present with this absence, maintaining a memory that can be painful, but not disabling.

However, in some cases the expression of discomfort produced by the grief may not improve or even worsen over time. Usually, in what is known as pathological grief, the person may see their functionality progressively deteriorated in the activities of daily life.

The stages and the first days of mourning

It has been proven that the grieving process usually consists of certain stages. This knowledge has a healing potential for people who face it, since it allows them to know what phase they are in. So they may feel less disoriented and lost about how the grieving process unfolds.

The phases in the first days of mourning are characterized by disbelief at the loss. Later, phases more related to grief appear on an emotional level, where emotions of sadness, anger and guilt may appear. Finally, the final phases of grief have to do with adapting to the new environment with this absence and the emotional relocation of the loss.

The first days of mourning are characterized by a denial of loss. This mechanism allows to separate from pain temporarily, to be able to assume this loss little by little. It is what is known in clinical psychology as a “defense mechanism”, which allows us to protect our mental health against a traumatic experience.

Examples of this phase, in the first days of mourning, are insisting on the idea that very recently everything was fine or waiting for a phone call or signal from a deceased person. The feeling of disbelief induces a feeling of not being able to believe that we will never be with that person again.

What can help the process of the first days of mourning?

Although feelings of disbelief are part of the first few days of grieving, this stage can drag on for too long and turn into pathological grief. Then, the defense mechanism becomes a trap, which does not allow the person to adapt to the new reality and continue living.

Therefore, in these first days of mourning, all those actions that are directed towards the assumption and acceptance of the new reality help. Only once this new reality is accepted, the person will be able to gradually carry out their grieving process on an emotional level.

Here are some ideas that can help you process your early days of grief.

• Funeral, religious or similar rituals. Humanity has known, since ancient times, that we need to perform this type of ritual to be able to assume and not disconnect from an immensely painful reality. A religious act, a family gathering, symbols such as mourning or whatever ritual people feel comfortable with, is one of the best ways to help the process of the first days of mourning.
• Talk about what happened. It is essential to help survivors talk about the circumstances surrounding the death: from where it occurred or how, to where one was when learning of the loss. Talking about what happened forces the brain to rationalize what happened and create a cognitive representation of the loss.

• Do not judge the emotions experienced or emotional expressions. There are people who are distressed not to cry or have the feeling of not caring about the loss in the first days. Nothing is further from reality. Although you have reached the point of not denying and being aware of the loss, it has only occurred on a rational level. Emotional acceptance usually comes in later stages. Also, not all people grieve sadly; Anger or the feeling of injustice are very common feelings in grief.

The first days of mourning: disbelief

Grief involves an internal process in the face of the loss of a loved one, a bond or other elements with which the person had an affective relationship. This process consists of stages that begin with disbelief in the face of loss, emotional acceptance and the assumption of the new reality in the face of absence.

The feelings of denial, in the first days of mourning, are part of a normal process. They allow to protect the psyche from a traumatic experience, to be able to assume it progressively. However, staying in this stage for a long time can lead to the suffering of mourning known as pathological.

Funeral rituals and acts or talking about the circumstances of the loss help the assumption, on an intellectual level, of the new reality. The stages of grief are a tool that can help survivors feel less disoriented during this process. However, the way in which each individual expresses and feels the grief is personal and in no case should it be judged or disregarded.