What Is Behind The Tensions In A Couple?

With the idealization of love and certain manuals that seek to eliminate the contradictions of life, it has become more difficult to love. In something the past was better: the way to deal with tensions as a couple. At least they did not seem to them that they were something extraordinary, but they accepted them as a normal fact.

That has changed a lot today. It seems that the love between a man and a woman, to be assumed as valid, should exclude contradictions. Tensions in a couple are seen as a red flag. An evidence that there is something wrong.

Now it does not seem to be accepted the fact that a man and a woman who love each other can cause harm to each other. One thing does not exclude the other. In fact, it implies it. Most human relationships leave much to be desired when compared to ideal models. Still, they can be strong and tough.

With the couple we do not inaugurate an unpublished story. Actually, we give continuity to several scripts that we already bring from the past. To the story of unfinished love that we have written since we were born with our parents. To other failed or exulting loves that are no longer there. We do not arrive new and with the blank paper to any of our relationships.

The origins of tensions in a couple

The first cause of tension in a couple is the collapse of romantic expectations. It’s not that the other person lets us down. What ends up falling, at least in part, is that set of dreams and ideal purposes with which we usually start a relationship. Especially when we feel that we are in front of the “love of our lives.”

It is natural that an idealization of the other takes place. It is included in the drawer of the psychological processes that take place during falling in love. Some people are more prone to it and others less, but in all cases there is some of it.

Then, it is also natural that a line of small disappointments begins. We discovered that the puzzle is definitely missing tiles. Contrary to what we had initially imagined, that person does bore us sometimes. It also gets to annoy us. And perhaps it is more of this world, and not of the other, as we had assumed.

This point marks the dissolution of many budding couples. In others it is only a stage. The underlying interest is maintained, as is the compatibility. Affection is stronger than disappointment. Those tensions in a couple are then assumed as a stumbling block that is not decisive. If someone wants to take it on the dramatic side, they will suffer a crisis of expectations and reality.

Everything settles after a while

The decline in romantic expectations is just the beginning. Two people can be very savvy and realistic. However, when becoming a couple, various elements (comings, thoughts, behaviors, emotions, etc.) are no longer in place. Many times, at some point in any stable union, both of you will wonder if they were wrong from beginning to end in their love choice.

This is love: contradictory. Tensions in a couple are the bread and butter, not the exception to the rule. There is no human relationship so full of contrasts as that between a man and a woman who make up a loving union. A mistake that is forgiven to a child or a friend without problem, can be oversized in the context of the couple. Passions, including anger, are always the order of the day.

Without realizing it, all couples negotiate secret rules. The one will be the strong one and the other will allow himself to be protected. Or one will be the understanding and the other the demanding. One will be anxious for both of them and the other will put the note of calm. The union is not only based on the affects, but also on strong psychological mechanisms that, most of the time, advance on the terrain of the unconscious. And when those never signed agreements are breached, tensions appear as a couple.

There are those who do not accept the fact that this is true love. They do not want to give up the fantasies of a fully harmonious relationship that fully complies with the idea of ​​love in capital letters, but they also do not want to give up one that balances their imperfections. One in which there are no tensions as a couple, but a constant well-being that makes the promise “and they lived happily ever after” come true. A love that does not imply forgiveness or frustrations. Just the kind of affection you’ll never find, for the simple reason that it doesn’t exist.