Why Is It So Difficult To Escape An Abusive Situation?

Unfortunately, abuse is very present in our day to day. We constantly receive news of women murdered at the hands of their partners or ex-partners. In some cases, the aggressor has found her even though they were no longer together. But there are also times when the victim returns to that person over and over again. Or he may never have left the relationship, why?

This is difficult for many people to understand and they blame themselves for doing so. It is normal to hear: “If he has done so much damage, why do you come back or continue with him?” The reality is not that simple. It is not that these women are to blame, but that a series of processes intervene that makes it difficult for them to escape from this situation of abuse… Keep reading to understand it and thus be able to help them better!

Emotional dependence on abuse

In a relationship, it is normal to feel loved by the other person. So how could we define emotional dependency? This would be an extreme need for affection on the part of the couple that feeds obsessive thoughts about the other person and constant feelings of abandonment, which would make the person behave in a submissive way so as not to lose their loved one.

Thus, the couple is prioritized over any thing or person (even over oneself), idealizing them. In this way, the favorable qualities that exist are highlighted (even if they are few) and the cruelty and aggressiveness that they manifest are covered or concealed. In addition, the beliefs of the aggressor that affirm that he is superior in the relationship are assumed.

Added to this is the fear of breaking up. This creates separation anxiety that makes the victim believe that the worst thing that can happen is that the relationship breaks down and she is left alone, so she will do anything to prevent this from happening. All the aforementioned is enhanced, once the abuse is constant, by the periods in which the aggressor repents and it is pleasant to try to “compensate” the damage caused.

Thus, victims in this situation can blame themselves for the attacks they receive.  In a thought scheme in which they assume that their partner is kind and loving, it is not possible for their partner to behave in a violent way, so that when this occurs they look for a cause and usually point to them. In this way they do not see themselves as victims, but as guilty or responsible.

Thus, a relationship is established in which there are aggressions that cause terror and fear and good moments that generate a feeling of relief. In this contrast, the normal thing is that the victim does everything possible so that the second moments predominate, although along the way, little by little she buries herself.

Other factors that cause the permanence in the abuse

In everything that has been discussed so far, another factor can be identified that makes the victim not abandon this abusive relationship: low self-esteem. She sees herself as a person who is not capable of doing things well or of taking care of herself. In addition, it is something that the abuser does not stop repeating to him. “You are worth nothing” is a common phrase when he exercises verbal violence.

But not only does he exercise physical or psychological violence against the victim, it is also common for him to strip the victim of his social support. This isolation from the victim, which favors the interests of the abuser so much, causes his dependence to be maintained or even increased. The ultimate goal of this strategy  is that the victim has no one to talk to or who to ask for help.

On the horizon of mistreatment we find learned helplessness. The victim has progressively lost much of his power and freedom, so he ends up realizing that there is nothing he can do to escape the situation in which he finds himself. Thus, despair reigns in his life and he does not see any possible way out.

Images courtesy of Misael Nevarez, Volkan Olmez, and Xavier Sotomayor.